difference between holding a grudge and not forgetting

So that I may gain some insight which could help me in the future. I dont have to try to convince myself that the EUM will eventually come around just to indirectly, silently protect his ego. But often the most challenging aspect of getting hurt is letting go of any lingering resentment after you forgive them. No-one else can do it for you or feel what you feel. And things are not black and white, people are complex, situations are complex (and a lot of information and detail is missing from my post, otherwise it would just be too long). This content does not have an English version. You're mean to not want to go there. If youre a survivor of abuse or trauma, the concept of forgiveness can be a complex topic to discuss. Also supplement this with yoga to connect the relaxation of body and mind. I wouldnt say that I was a misfit at school but I didnt fit in. I have no idea why I had such a high threshold for this in the past. Are you a codependent who cant get your point across to someone trying to dominate you? When you say it out loud and try to stop them, they will fight back with everything they have. As time went on, it just became my way of being to be able to take up for or care of myself when someone was treating me badly. Accessed Nov. 2, 2022. Why should it be any different w people? Or would you advise me to run as fast as I can, nevermind hang around to go cycling?? Ive never in my life had a problem being undecided or being able to keep a friendly distance with someone who I dont have much feelings for. 1998-2023 Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research (MFMER). Anyways my first thought was to text him and tell him I forgive you and there are no hard feeling since our last interaction 7 wks ago me telling him to stop calling, it made me feel super guilty and I felt bad for him. Ill just have to get past this, but yes it hurts. Holding Grudges Only Hurts You Try These Tips to Let Them Go It also doesn't necessarily mean making up with the person who caused the harm. I pray he finds what he wants in this life but I realise his divorce messed him up bigtime but it is not my responsibility to fix anyone we make decisions in life and we deal with the consequences. You lost your cool over something unrelated, "We may have a grudge towards someone but pretend like things are fine; until an unrelated issue sets us off,", , a licensed marriage and family therapist and interfaith minister, told INSIDER. I am deeply sorry for what you are going through,and although you dont know it now you can survive and pop out the other end of the dark tunnel into a new and better light. Ultimately, dont let anybody make you feel bad about the fact that you have knowledge or awareness of something and are being responsible enough to ensure that your values and boundaries reflect this. Thats what MOTHERS do. Thank you. JBI Evidence Synthesis. I'm especially proud of you for considering your daughter's feelings. The responsible thing to do is therefore to withdraw from new guy and other dating prospects. From our hearts. 4. Read about the narcissist smear campaign. Many years ago, I was seeing a guy who lived across the street. It doesnt mean you need to have hateful feelings towards them, but its just sheer survival instinct on your end to step away from the nonsense. The person isnt going to (maybe cant) repay his debt to us so trying to collect the debt is futile. You will be taking two steps backwards and questioning everything you may say in the text, email etc. Tinkerbellif I had been in your situation where I gave my heart, Id have to go NC. I read a quote by G.K. Chesterton, Christianity hasnt been tried and found wanting. I know that this need not happen to you, and I hope it never does play out like this for you. As a recovering people pleaser, Im done with jumping through hoops trying to prove myself to unpleasable people. It's understandable. Holding a grudge means hanging on to the bitterness, resentment, and anger. Its a broken world and there is no perfect answer to this messy situation, but a clean break is not more wrong than him messing with your head when there is no future. I had issues were I would let things go, but still have resentment through my silence and it took me quite awhile to move beyond passive aggressive behavior and to just confront people about how I felt about the situation or their behavior. Your explanations about why something is inconvenient, or abusive, goes in one ear and out the other. We weigh in on the toxicity of those who don't understand boundaries and whether holding a grudge. The difference in these recent EUM situations I was in, is that I never got emotionally invested. I really love BR. I see like this Its as if two people (friends/lovers), have been heavily into drugs for years. You might not think that's what you're doing, but it very well could be. Mayo Clinic Graduate School of Biomedical Sciences, Mayo Clinic School of Continuous Professional Development, Mayo Clinic School of Graduate Medical Education, Have questions about sex? Haley Laferney is the Graphic Designer at Reach Out Recovery and a graduate of Ringling College of Art and Design. I have always adopted NC as my natural response, even before reading about it. A lot less drama. Back to re-hab analogy Would you? I think in Natalies earlier blog posts she talks about how we are usually attracted to people that somehow fulfill our beliefs about relationships/or qualities that we ourselves have or things we value. Though part of me thinks, even if he didnt mean it, its a horrible thing to even say. And, of course I couldnt tell him I followed him and what I had discovered. Ask yourself, is charm enough to sustain you? We also mistake the fact that we may recognise what does and doesnt work for us and that we may actually be feeling relatively at peace about something thats happened, as an automatic precursor to going for another round or even treat it as a court order from our inner critic. They're suffering from an emotional imbalance, which therapy might help. I understand, Rosie, and I find soothing your willingness to comment. Its bordering on the OCD side which can be so frustrating. Irritability towards someone you're working to forgive is a barrier to overcoming a grudge.". Sandy, I am proud of you, too. But. Also, key into the pattern of the types of men youre attracted to, and why youre choosing to ignore and excuse all these red flags. All you're doing it making yourself unhappy by holding onto it. Review/update the Sorry, meant to add that its neither here nor there whether theyre repetent or not. I am only 3 weeks into NC with my 2 year relationship. A bit OTT, but saw this on Pinterest today and made me think of all of us: You may have convinced yourself that you are too broken for love, but there is someone who will prove to you that true love can heal the shattered of hearts. Be grateful he is gone and you dodged a bullet. In all honesty, only a few. I finally learned the lesson that I should of learned then. What is the difference between "grudge" and "vengeance " ? "grudge" vs I am genuinely sorry if I have upset you by my behaviour. that I was not OK with acting like friends and that he should have had the guts to tell me it was over instead of disappearing. In any case, I can sympathize with the trauma you must have gone through with such a parent. And you may be holding a grudge even if you don't think that you are. Good for you Noquay. But, same thing happens, again and again. Ive tended to do this on a more superficial level with friendships than with more intimate relationships. Forgiveness can take away the power the other person continues to have in your life. What is interesting is that those who really love you and care for you, do understand and support your decision, respect your need for NC and dont do stuff like inviting him to parties where you are coming. Yes, I have served our homeless community and havent always liked it but did it anyway, didnt think of comparing it to forgiveness but you are absolutely right. We also stand to lose an opportunity to learn from who weve been at different points in our life because we keep squashing down truths out of fear of looking bad and even a sense of guilt that we remember something. I was sexually abused by a family member on her side, and instead of protecting me, she wanted me to be quiet about it to keep the peace. He told me this as tactfully and honestly as he could and Im still thinking, Oh, he doesnt really mean it. Glad you wrote me, so I can get real again. For me, its BAD men. Install a Number-Blocking application on your phone to filter his calls. Go to re-hab, start seeing a light at tbe end of the tunnel. Ive maintained NC but Im seething inside that he thinks its OK to just drop me and dismiss me as if I was nothing. I am now 20 days in NC and have stepped away from these friends as well. We can remember without ill will. Talking through things with the person in question or working through things with the assistance of a trained professional can help you move forward, once and for all. How am I supposed to "get over" MIL crashing childbirth? And had my attempts at making everything better by telling him I forgive him or Im over what happened were ALWAYS (not once, but at least 67 times) interpreted as me wanting to get back together. Thank you so much. Preventing yourself from feeling anything requires a lot of effort, Owen said. Grudges are a form of punishment. I simply remembered that episode because the nerdy guy was acting totally EUM and I felt the girl could do so much better just like us BR readers who chase after EUMS. Identify what needs healing and who you want to forgive. Speak of your sincere sorrow or regret. I coach clients on this issue as well. My kid(s) see right through you. Hes very good at what he does and I admire that, so I figured he was a good guy, which I know isnt always true. While we don't often like to admit it, holding a grudge is a common way some people respond to feeling that they've been wronged. Sorta-slow-fade. Its a set up! Bottom linewe usually know (in our gut at least) if we are not being treated right or if something isnt right for US we need to trust our instincts on this and not put up with crap. It will be different. I have no plans 2 ever be in contact w/him and I know I have 2 let it go. I dont think he sounds like a good catch. When you try to set a boundary and say you wont do it, they complain youre holding a grudge. Grace Thank you. Youre seeing the forest beyond the trees. Kudos to You! Mind, I have no idea how that applies to my situation now, so its probably best not read in the light of that. then i realized i had to end everything with him becasue I still had feelings and told him not to contact me anymore. The thing is, And what Ive learned I dont want any part of a negative past back in my life. AC promptly said he would do what he can, but did nothing just invited my friends over to more lunches and dinners.. keep All my friends getting sweet messages/gifts every other day from him, and I feel like he is trying to win them over. If never letting go of slights is referred to as holding grudges, what's it called when you'll always remember a kindness someone did you? My gut says he is married or in a relationship. I have suffered with obsessive thoughts and cognitive dissonance for years with this AC! pull the focus back on you.) Getting another person to change isn't the point of forgiveness. Perhaps thats wrong and Im inflexible or maybe too flexible with maintaining my borders, I dont know. So Ive given myself time to decompress and feel out the next yeses and nos. Trauma refers to your physical and emotional response to experiencing harm or violation. Hi Rosie! Except I was thinking that maybe I am just seeing bad things in this new guy because of the old one being so bad.. "When the resentment persists, the grudge is still going strong. Do you think its mature behavior? Thanks dcd, yes it was my daughter and son seeing how he treated me that finally made me make the final breaktheir dad is not like this man at all so they have never experienced someone like this before and the day my daughter faced my ex AC clown and told him that she wished I would tell him to fk off was when I realised that while I was trying to keep my two lives separate it was impacting on my lovely daughter, who never swears let alone had ever hated somebody (and hate him she did). Also, which guy was he trying to impress when he told YOU that he had 6 booty calls lined up for whenever he wants? Then we hear nothing off him till the next week after having his son for the day the guilt gets to him again.so I then have to endure the pleastries til off he goes validated yet again. Acknowledge your emotions about the harm done to you, recognize how those emotions affect your behavior, and work to release them. (he said) In fact, he is already complaining about the amount of time he will have them (3 days a week) and says he doesnt want them so much. Not that youre planning to be persuaded by him, but remember his wanting to be friends is code for sex. Elsevier; 2018. https://www.clinicalkey.com. Knowing what sorts of things might mean that youre holding a grudge, even if you dont think you are, can help you figure out a way to move forward. The technical storage or access that is used exclusively for statistical purposes. Trust your gut on this one, and bail, then RUN! Be aware that forgiveness is a process. Unfortunately, there are too many single women involved with ACs that behave as if their kids are deaf and dumb. Or are you really a grudge holder yourself? I am still hurting from this user, one year after he got what he wanted and just disappeared. Forgiveness is letting go. Our gut, our minds, and even our hearts may be signalling that we should leave things alone and apply what weve learned into moving forward but then our inner critic pipes up with, Dont be a heartless beep beep! And find a way to learning about and empowering yourself. Beautiful, Sparkle! CC, I just read your comment. None of these are likely. Its been several months and I still miss him and his daughter. She has been told over and over that she cannot treat people the way she treats them and not have consequences. To me forgiveness is not making some epic thing about how she wronged me and making her somehow see that. He was beyond hurtful and I just kept hoping and waiting and hoping he would make room in his life for me. It's less. NC is your most powerful action. To provide the best experiences, we use technologies like cookies to store and/or access device information. He tried like hell to convince me to be present to now. My aunt is a full-on proselytizing Catholic and it was on a bus full of Christian ladies headed to the casino that she hit me, which led me to decide to cut my visit short and take up in a hotel. Flush this man from your life. Or immature? In other cases, reconciliation might not be appropriate. LOL Very true.Truth be told I do miss him but after reflecting on it, I really havent done anything wrong and further more the question is ..Is this Good for me? I forgive my ex who was abusive. I can be a little OCD about stuff but I am determined 2 never let him close enough 2 hurt me again so I am NC for life w/him. What I meant was that, no matter whether the person is repentant (and thus deserving forgiveness) or non-repentant (willfully sinning without remorse or change of action, in which case they are constituting themselves an enemy of God and we would be enabling them and condoning their behavior as well as siding with them against God by forgiving them), we have the responsibility for OUR side of the street, which is that we never pay back evil for evil towards them by our own thoughts, words, or actions. I second guessed myself, I felt guilty and ashamed and I believed him when he said that I was inadequate and wouldnt be able to cope as a mother to my children. I still feel Ive done the right thing, and I am relieved, but in other ways I dont know that Ill ever be really free of him. I was told yesterday to be content with teaching the same classes, over and over, and to accept that our campus will cut the one program I enjoy teaching in that is congruent with my values and who I am. We also get your email address to automatically create an account for you in our website. Is he so deleriously happy to have HER again he has no clue hes invalidated how I feelEXACTLY the way she does him?????? I know I have to make a 100% break because its painful to laugh and joke or get into stimulating convos over the phone when I know that he doesnt want to see me because hes avoiding physical intimacy. Mymble I am so glad to hear how you are feeling. To provide you with the most relevant and helpful information, and understand which The message she left was so hurtful. The last time I saw him was a few hours after he left my bed and he had an actual girlfriend in his We had a several year long r/s, including living together that had been dialed back to living separately and dating. I screamed obscenities at him on his doorstep and went NC and remained that way until this recent contact. I forgive him for being the way he is, for how he feels and for how he behaves. I hope we all reach this state and continue NC (and if we fall off, get right back on). If you're upset with someone, even if you're not fully aware that you are, you may not want to spend a ton of time with them. I just cant and wont do things from a place of anxiety because it wreaks havoc on my nervous system. However, we are not, as Christians, required to extend this forgiveness to unrepentant people, who in effect (and according to the Bible) become Gods enemies. Try seeing the situation from the other person's point of view. Grudges and boundaries often appear similar, but they are in fact quite different. Its bound to be awkward when you break up because avoidance is more difficult. I worked SO hard trying to make the relationship work while he either withdrew emotionally while he attacked and blamed me. I accepted that I have always been different to this group of people (and I can say that nothing has changed given the connections to old school chums through Facebook). Sure, maybe theyve changed, in small, little ways (like Maybe they pay for the entire dinner instead of paying half, lol). Courtney,If I read CC right, big bang nerdy guy is not the bad guy here. I too agree we should avoid hurting others the way weve been hurt. While I am the queen of holding a grudge, Penn couldn't be more opposite. It is OKAY to like someones personality better than my exs. She moved in with a new guy within a couple months of our breakup, and it is an effective deterrent to me reconciling anything with her. I got bored and stopped replying. She is also a gold and silver ADDY award winner. Thanks again! Therefore, I will never get an apology and there really is nothing he can say to make what he did alright with me. When someone you care about hurts you, you can hold on to anger and resentment or embrace forgiveness and move forward. A theological debate would be fun, though, especially with Revolution as shes smart, a writer, has a feisty personality and a beautiful heart and probably knows her stuff. He told me that he might get full residence of the kids as I was a crap mum and he did 90% of their care. Forgiveness. Getting It!Sorry for all typos in above post & this one, doing this by phone. Lavendar, when people tell you who they are.believe them. When the resentment persists, the grudge is still going strong.. But often the most challenging aspect of getting hurt is letting go of any lingering resentment after you forgive them. It just seems so crazy and inappropriate I dont know how it could be a genuine view. YESSSSSSS!!!! I am now interested in another guy and I thought he was a nice guy (just a friend right now), but I overheard him talking to another friend on the phone and saying that he loved our city because there were so many loose women and sluts so he could go out and get some every single night. I will not let this experience defeat me. Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting or excusing the harm done to you. Friends, work colleagues whom he had no reason to get involved with only to act the victim. I hated myself, but there was a thrill and fascination Id never experienced before. If this guy is attracted to a narcissistic sadist, good riddance. I sent a couple of texts telling him in effect what he did and that it was still not ok or forgotten. But there are strategies you can try to help you move past your anger and hurt feelings. No mother its you. Today, I am still grieving, suffereing, felt tricked by him in the friendship last year, You would think after all the hardship we went through that now we would be more ready to make it work, but no, he said his feelings switched off long time ago, yet he kept wanting me around. People are too concerned with their own stuff to give anyone elses relationship more than a few minutes head space, dont worry about that. We were never enough of anything for her. Not the past. Im not a helpless, vulnerable child any more, yet cant bring myself to name them individually when I pray. Lose valuable and enriching connections with others. What a beautiful sentence. Yes, I ignored huge red flags and was probably a little EU on my end but it sill doesnt excuse what went down. Im especially proud of you for considering your daughters feelings. ago. What are you bearing grudges for? Theyre either in or theyre out! Remember, your destiny is never tied to anyone who leaves you. I need to leave it alone, and stop feeling like I have to DO SOMETHING. One night the devil made me do it. I feel frustrated at times because its in the past, gone, done & I want the recycling to stop but not sure how to make it stop. crawling under bed of the genie bottle. I will not hold a grudge and I will not press the reset button. i saw him in the summer and we talked about what happened, I also found out he was dating a lot since out hook up. You might need to deal with him in relation to your child but you can do that in a business like pragmatic way. In my mind I think that how hes acting is immature and offensive, but for some reason I truly cant get myself to believe that he is being genuine with this crazy stuff. Amen. He did make you genuinely happy for a time, I remember that. He has shown you who he is, now act on it! I am in the same position bad men are definitely my cross to bear in life. I can hear him thinking How dare she be able to say goodbye, farewell! Dysfunction happens often in families where there is substance or alcohol use disorder. Feeling bitter, ignoring that person, getting angry about unrelated things, and thinking about them negatively are all signs you could still be holding a grudge. Please be more discriminating in the future. Everyone thinks he is an absolutely fantastic husband, and I was lucky to have a man who was taking his kids here and there, putting out the bins, growing loads of his own veg, always smiling. I have come a long way since then but I needed to finally put the fantasy in my head to rest once and for all so I texted him to ask if he wanted to catch up. I go long periods of him not crossing my mind then bam, it hits,& I know I still have anger & disappointment towards him. The technical storage or access is required to create user profiles to send advertising, or to track the user on a website or across several websites for similar marketing purposes. .and, I believe forgiveness starts with us, first. This post is really something to think about. Well. he went off to chat to a young woman (no surprise there!). I also still feel a lot of responsibility for him, which was the other thing that kept me tied. How does one get past this with any modicum of forgetting and forgiving? He refers to women as sluts and has six on dial a lay. Forgiveness facilitation in palliative care: A scoping review. I want to contact him less frequently. I was strict NC with him for a really long time but even that became a non issue as time went on. But that isn't always the case. I feel like hes pushing it in my face to get a reaction from me. Mommy I dont believe that you need to forgive him, thats something only you can decide. Why People Hold Grudges and What to Do About Them Text book I tell you. It makes me sick to think how easily I fall into thinking hes a nice guy and that I am not as nice person for thinking unkind (true) thoughts. Ive been having insomnia looking for ways to go back to him. The strange thing is that we actually feel better when we stop pretending that we dont feel the way that we do or that we dont have needs, wants, and expectations. What To Do When Your Family Doesnt Love What Does Arguing With A Narcissist Sound Like. A hustler respects the process and knows what it really takes to achieve the seemingly impossible, while grinders often hate because they don't understand how to similarly master the game. All of the progressromancebeautymagic was gone when he decided to undo everything by taking some heavy-duty drugs, and denying same while tremors beset his face and hands, and while perseverating while rocking in his seat. Doormatwhat a lousy situation. If he could correct his situation he would and I know he feels worse about it than I do. I hope you stick to your guns about distancing anyone who disrespected you. Funny this applies to a decision I made in relation to a recent school reunion I was invited to. I was calm and polite as always.

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