dealing with financially irresponsible family members

My mother, on the other hand, is receiving a lot of in home care (most paid by Medicare) at this point and I am glad my siblings are able to help her economically. Meanwhile they dont pay their bills on time or repay the money borrowed. But when things goes worse, you need to take some hard decisions. I would spend the weekend with my parents, and my mother would start drinking (vodka and oranges) at 4pm, become abusive, scream, smash glasses onto the floor, etc., etc., she became paranoid and would also blame me for what had happened i.e say things like Dad and I sent you to expensive schools, took you on amazing holidays and really the money that your grandmother left to you (aka. Filial piety is earned, not freely given. I realize I cannot help them if they refuse to help themselves. 2. Never a penny from either parent. I recently dated a guy, (we are not together now) whos son was paying his rent. You have people who will ask to borrow money and never repay it. You cant say no to them, and they KNOW you cant. Caretakers (home health care worker), neighbors, or professionals (lawyers, bankers, financial advisors) can all commit financial abuse. I was a single parent raising 2 boys for years and now my husband and I are helping to put my 2 boys through college, were saddled with 2 rental houses we cant get rid of and need to save for our own futuresWhen I explain this to my mom and talk to her about being responsible financially, shes outright dishonest or in denial abut her spending and I end up feelign guilty? Ungrateful for being brought up by a parent that elected to have you or married into your family? but its also the stress of knowing that shes gotten herself into this situation and the rest of us are going to be bailing her out for probably the rest of her life. We have been estranged for years. I have helped for years, but I will have to sacrifice MY retirement, and Im not going to anymore.May sound harsh, but I am struggling with the ability to work overtime anymore. Its never hopeless. Seems that many people are in need of it. When the wife is sick, the elderly woman feeds the sick friend. Whether that means paying into social security and expecting nothing out, paying high prices for goods to fund their pensions (with no pension for yourself), or outright cash payments for their needs as you point out. In fact, I have recommended to them to hold off until they have additional funds for themselves, but they rejected my suggestion. I do not feel that I owe her anything. None of my siblings ever asks me how I am doing or ever offers to lend me a hand. I see this as an issue of the proper role of government. References. The only difference between my generation and yours is that yours raised ours and anything that you dont like is a direct reflection of your generationss actions and inactions. Obviously someone has to pay for it and it wont be no-job-Bob (bro). You MUST break a cycle of stretched resources and under funded retirement scenarios. Shes selfish, self absorbed, and completely irresponsible. If hes unwilling to be more assertive in his assistance to his mother, think of what that will do to your financial future together. You love your kid, but you cant pay for her car insurance and groceries forever. I resent my parents selfishly imposing their retirement on me, setting my own retirement back 15+ years. Etc, siblings dont even drive. If anything, they owe me way more than I would ever owe them or be responsible for. Is the person willing to accept non-financial help such as transportation while a car is in the shop or dinners at your home that could help cut down on their food bills? One good solution is to set up a budget that allows each partner to have money that they can freely spend on personal things, gifts, hobbieswhatever he or she wishesbut said money has a monthly cap so that there can still be positive financial progress made. After they blew it on crap and on bailing my brother out of debt, I dont think I will help them out again. Require them to read The Total Money Makeover. (I paid a mortgage payment for my mother when I was 12, and she later stole my identity. A Good Parent Leaves Behind An Inheritance For Their Children. I wouldnt tolerate being treated with an attitude of entitlement from anyone. This just devastates me though.. Physically required to take care of your parents when they didnt do the right thing. If you spent all your retirement when you were alive you have $0. Encouraging our family members in contentment is one way we can help them financially. My dads job at a university got cut to part time in 2003. several years later they had no choice but to declare bankruptcy. Plus her for the passed 2 years! Put yourself in their shoes and think what it would be like to be in their position. I choose to withdraw my 401K when I leave a job so I get the benefit of using it while im alive, as, you know, it belongs to me to do with what I see fit. They are both healthy and have stable jobs with years of tenure. Its hard to be okay supporting people who dont want to face reality, and treat your loved one like an ATM. I have no choice but to help her because If I say no I would feel so bad. Theres always ways to find work if youre actually looking. My mom was still alive and, with her influence, they paid off a modest house, had significant savings, even owned a small condo in Florida. My grandmothers deceased male partner left her enough to not work however my father and his girlfriend has taken her for everything so now she has no nest egg either. I am a 20-year old single girl working in Asia. I also made some poor decisions in my youth and am just beginning to get my own life on track (Im 30). we dont have the money and she is hurting my husband and son bc we have to help her she pays nothing. Furthermore, they continue to pay and support my brother who is almost 30 and has never had a real job. Even if they need my support one day, I could not keep up with the lifestyle that they have become accustomed to. The truth Hurts, doesnt it Cherilyn!! As fiscally conservative as my parents are I really cant imagine the scenario that youre talking about however I would probably do it regardless if for no other reason then its the right thing to do. Most of Gen X are LatchKeys. Your upbringing, the dynamics of your family, and the way you're used to communicating will all play a role. Handling Financially Irresponsible People | The Simple Dollar. I have to say no I would not. When dealing with financially irresponsible parents, you may react strongly with anger, frustration, overwhelm, anxiety, guilt, stress, irritation or a bunch of mixed feelings. I have no savings. Explain why you have to save $100 for your kids education and be loving , there are many ways to help than finance such as: act of service, spend time with them and just be there :). I cant imagine walking into their home and telling them they need to shape up. Now here I am 32yrs old still dealing with an endless cycle, I am beyond exhausted from this, and just want to stop worrying about her, I want to not have this feeling of guilty where I feel obligated to help her because of her poor decisions she has made. Then, sit down with her and walk through her finances. my parents i would help yes. She and her husband are pregnant with their second child, live rent-free with her parents, have two brand new cars with $300 payments, and have high car insurance due to multiple wrecks on both of their records. Your answers are not going to be easy. I am 52 and have no children to take care of me when I no longer can. extremely self-centered individuals know every trick in the book, to keep their family members giving and giving and giving, and they do not care about anyones future but their own. She is my grandparents who say she is too much to handle. I want to hang on to my retirement money so that MY CHILDREN arent in this position and I am glad that most of you agreed with me. Me parents did well financially until my senior year in college, when they lost their business. That is why my mother is dependent on me now. Shes trying to settle her debts with the IRS and a couple of years ago, I helped her pay off her credit card debts. Its one way to focus your help in an area of clear need. Mom wont work and dad is reluctant but still does. My parents sacrificed nothing. You have nothing to lose if you just give love. Im at the point where I would like to go to them now and tell them up front dont come to me asking for money, because I know it is coming. For the sake of discussion, lets imagine you DO have a choice and your parents lives arent entirely dependent on your decision. 4) just had to take 3 months off work (covered by insurance thank God), due to daily panic attacks and anxiety disorder/depression. To make matters worse, my older sister is emotionally unstable and seems to be incapable of holding down a permanent job. While thankfully I wont have to worry about this as my parents are extremely financially responsible, I would absolutely help them as much as I were able to. However,these are a lot of emotions rather than logic. My 4 brothers have short, periodic conversations with her. Building Connected Insurance Offerings Starts With Customer-Focused Innovation, Model Portfolio & SMA Strategists Selection Guide, The 2022 TAMP GROWTH SUMMIT | RECEIVE 1.5 HRS CE CREDIT, 2022 America's Most Advisor Friendly Trust Companies, America's Best Trust Technology Buyers Guide 2021-2022. Interesting. It sounds like more than one of your sons lack respect for money and personal belongings. But, we will not blindly give money. I long to have my own life back and not be depended on by 2 aging people who clearly cant look after themselves but always knew how to have fun. Get to know them. If you suspect financial abuse, call the the Adult Protective Services Hotline at 1-800-677-1116. yet they call every weekend to ask about the money .they didnt even raise him??? Disclosure: Information provided on this site should not be considered professional financial advice. None of us have disposable money. At that time, she lived beyond her means purchasing a house in one of the most expensive areas of the country, buying luxury goods, and then paying repeated IRS penalties for dipping into her retirement account too early. I stumbled upon this article, as its sort of my situation at the moment. Maybe framing it that way will help them understand how their selfishness is hurting their grandkids and they will elect to not retire early and work extra hard to get rid of their debts and put away something for retirement. Figure out carefully how much you can afford to give them and then plan for it. Ive heard these stories many times over. They took care of me as a child, their parents took care of them. No. To that extent it would be fair to characterize his behavior as dangerous and abusive. Blessings to all! Have you ever been abandoned? Wherever I moved they always showd up said they are coming for coffee en then my husband and I have to move to get rid of them. That seems quite a heartless reply to someone who has what is obvious to any thinking, feeling person a heartbreaking situation. I also have that twist, my father still contributes a large percent of his income to my adult siblings. My father is very lively and healthy, for years he had his own business did very well but did not handle money well. At this point, if I cant get some sort of legal protection from this, I am actually considering buying her a long term care insurance policy simply for my own peace of mind. Help them with running errands and shopping. My father is a felon and we were already off to college (supporting ourselves, just barely) once he and my mother finally got their sh** together and when they finally did, they crawled into a hole and quietly enjoyed their lives together, ignoring all of the fallout of what had happened for more than a decade. She just kept living the way she wanted and leaching wherever she could. I really think they could be homeless, its a HUGE comedown, but theres nothing I can do. She is now deceased. Its not just about money its about learning a lesson. (Theres also a trust issue if you dont stick with it, too.). The best (worst?) Ever. My 5 siblings (who are all financially well off, have good partners and no major illnesses) actually step up and send my mother money all the time. I am working really hard to save and invest because I know that I will probably be the one taking care of them financially in a few years unless my dad decides to never retire. (I borrowed a small amount of money from them only once shortly after moving out and I repaid the loan.) His sister lives with his parents (at a home that he pays for) and she is 37 with a 2 year and is not married. Her last job was in 2000. If I cant afford it, theyll have to live with me in whatever house I have and eat whatever food is in the house. My wife and I have a 23,25 year old young men. Depends on your location and if they have services that can help. Actions have consequences, and I feel bad and upset. But what if your parents decided to live a very extravagant lifestyle and made zero effort to boost their retirement savings? People may think that is heartless, but let me tell you a story. Help them move out. I have to say the idea of not doing so seems ridiculous to me actually. Why should I have to pick up the pieces? Yes. My girlfriends (and likely future wifes) family is the polar opposite. I spoke with my parents many times, pleading with them to put a portion of the money down on a house to create some security, but he houses were not good enough for them. If we want a better market and more independent people, Ive seen this in formerly homeless people, help them get on their feet. Its hard to put my foot down when she comes asking for money. My spouse isnt ready for my parents to live with us now and I have had the most difficult time communicating this to my parents. Taking that a step further, what if they were 100% capable of earning an income to delay withdrawing from a tiny nest egg, but instead choose to not work at all and live now off of their paltry savings, knowing full well that in a few years they would be 100% dependent on their children or other family members? My dad been telling all his friends that he doesnt get a dime from me and implied that Im being ungrateful. And manipulation involves control and coercion. Unfortunately I think this will cause them to fall into depression since it will be a major difference from their accustomed lifestyle and they are not strong people. It was good up until age 13 when everything fell down the tubes with daddy going to prison (for the first time). Am I nuts or cruel for thinking this is outrageous?! Hey FreakedOut, I dont know if youll see this but I wonder how it turned out. (None of us escapes it, eh?). I really do not want her to live with me and would actually exhaust all efforts to find other housing for them etc before doing this. Great text here. Take that however you want. If they cant handle her how can you when youre raising kids? My daughter will never take care of me in any way. I expect to have to do this with my mother and mother-in-law. A drastically different view about spending can be something that becomes a major problem in marriage as youre combining your financial lives together (whether you keep accounts separate or not), and drastically different levels of financial responsibility is going to result in some issues down the road. She proceeded to sell all her jewelery, silver, etc., NOT to pay her bills or buy food, but to buy MORE new furniture, new landscaping and new hardwood flooring in her home. How to Have the Money Talk Before Marriage. This is sadly our situation now (my husband and I). We all live in California, while my dad bums around New Jersey. Theres a proverb that says in times of test, family is best.. We have to fund their retirement, while somehow try to save for our own.

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